Follow Your Doctor's Orders or You Will Lose Your Beard - Things You Never Think Will Happen To You

A few months ago I went to my doctor and told her I was having trouble sleeping, and asked if I could get something to help.  This is probably something you should never do.  Because they have stuff that will help, but it helps just a little too much.  I had tried all the herbal natural remedies and they just weren't doing anything.  So I went in to the office and we discussed my options.

She told me the primary stuff available (which will go unnamed by me) was effective, but it had some side effects.

"If you have problems with sleep-walking then you shouldn't take this, because it will make it worse."

"I've never had a problem with sleep-walking."

"Ok, we can try this first then.  Seriously though if you find stuff has been moved around in your house and you don't remember doing it you need to stop taking it."

"Umm.... ok..."

"I'm totally serious.  Take it right before you get in bed.  Don't take it and wait for it to start working, and then start doing chores or something.  You'll wind up doing stuff you didn't mean to."

"No problem!", I said, laughing.  I mean, really, what could happen?

So I took it home and tried it a few times, and it seemed to work ok.  I didn't need it again for a while and had more or less forgotten about it until the other night.  I had been coughing a lot due to my allergies, and having trouble falling asleep.  I decided this might be a good time to use it again.  So I took a pill, and, instead of going straight to bed, I decided to finish watching the show I had recorded earlier which had about 45 minutes remaining. 

I finished the show and walked into the bathroom.  I looked in the mirror and realized that I hadn't trimmed my beard properly for about a week and a half.  It was looking a little shaggy.  I picked up the trimmer and started trimming. 

Everything after this is kind of a bizarre haze....

One minute I was trimming, and then the trimmer was going straight across my chin and it was GONE! 

I could see my chin! 

I just stared at myself.

"Hmmm...  Something's different.... "

I looked down at my hand at the trimmer buzzing away contentedly.  Puzzled, I turned it off.  I set it down. 

I looked in the mirror. 

"My beard is gone...  When did that happen?..."

I had a vague memory of running the trimmer straight across my chin instead of just trimming the edges...  Suddenly I wondered if this is what Pooh Bear feels like when he says, "Oh bother..."

Then a thought surfaced, "I think I did something wrong...  I should go to bed.  Yup.  That's what I was going to do."

I moved to go to bed, and remembered my dog, Bean.  He needed to go to bed too.  Sometimes Bean has a problem settling down when it's time for bed so I got him a special collar that helps him relax.  It's green and plastic and it's loaded with pheromones that supposedly makes him think comforting thoughts about his mother or something like that.  I'm not sure if that's what he really thinks about or not, but I do know every time I put it on him he gets all Zen on me and lays down and looks happy.  And he sleeps pretty well.

I had the collar in my hand, and I honestly remember wondering if I should put it on myself.  But I realized that I didn't really need to think about Bean's mother.

I slowly and deliberately made a point of locking every single door and window in the house.  I think I examined the locks pretty well too.  I went to bed.  I think.  I remember laying down while Bean and I stared at each other.  He had his collar on which, by the way, I noticed actually glows in the dark.  He looked content.  I remember waking up briefly to the sound of Bean quietly "woofing" in his sleep.  Probably dreaming of running through a field of high grass next to his mother.

I woke up the next morning and went in to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. 

My beard was gone. 

My chin was naked for the world to see. 

I now have two new rules:

1. I am never taking one of those pills again.  Unless I decide to shave my beard off.

2. Follow the doctor's orders or you will lose your beard.

©Dan Bode 2014