So there are these changes.
Pretty much everyone knows the ones that have happened to me.
But I made a decision at some point to live.
In order to live I have to effect my own changes.
It started with little things.
God help me, I bought a video game. Still not sure how I feel about that one.
I grew a goatee and shaved my head. Some people didn’t think it was such a small thing mainly because they didn’t recognize me so easily, but it was something to do. It was something I wanted.
Since I did that, and didn’t want to be too much of a maverick, I bought a hat in deference to my doctor who harps on me every time I see him about the dangers of too much sun. But I bought one I thought looked cool. I did consult a friend with some fashion sense to make sure it didn’t look too bad. I guess I’m still a little unsure of dressing myself.
I started driving with the sun roof open in all weather, although I admit to looking a little too closely at overhanging trees for that hidden flock of birds that I’m sure are waiting for me. I do have to admit to a secret joy when leaves fall into the car as I’m driving by, like picking up a carefree, wayward passenger who will go with you wherever you’re going.
I sleep with the window shades open so I can wake up with the sun.
I spend more time seeking the light than I used to.
I started eating better, and enjoying it.
I started exercising, and still hating it, but living longer makes more sense now somehow. It’s another thing I want. I want to be with my children and grandchildren for as long as possible.
The word “our” is not such a big part of my vocabulary anymore. My family is now “my” family, “my” friends, “my” house, and on and on and on.
I can love more freely now that I have a better sense of what love is. I know better ways to apply it and live it out now.
I have regrets about things I think I should have done, and I have a sure knowledge that my regrets will offer me no comfort and are, in fact, worthless. They are things I didn’t know, or didn’t do, and nothing now can change it.
People ask how I’m doing all the time. I love that they care, but I can only give them the same answer: “I’m ok.” There are no great milestones in my recovery. Just occasional “realizations” that something is different and I have adjusted to it to some degree. As the realizations mounted I made a discovery: I needed to re-engage in life.
It started with the simple choice to clean my house.
Get rid of the dust bunnies, rearrange the furniture, play some music louder than ever before.
I guess I just needed to make some noise to let myself know I was still here.
I made a choice to be present again.
The box I had so neatly packed myself into was far too confining, and served no good purpose.
I have started to look at life as a series of potential futures, rather than merely current reality.
You know that saying, “Make God laugh, plan for the future.”?
I just wait to choose whatever He puts in front of me now instead of asking Him to come along for the ride.
He does a good job.
I’m pretty ok with that.
© Dan Bode 2012