Terror Is No Small Thing

Something happened to me.

I went in to the hospital for what was supposed to be outpatient surgery to fuse a couple of vertebrae in my neck.  It was supposed to be 2-3 hours of surgery.

It was 5.

There were complications, and the surgeon had to change his strategy once he got in there and laid eyes on the actual bones.  He accomplished what he set out to do, but as a result my esophagus experienced some extreme swelling.  It was completely closed.  When I woke up, I was unable to swallow anything. Not even water.

The first night was a little different for me.  I was hooked up to a breathing monitor, which kept going off whenever I wasn’t breathing enough.  Which was apparently quite often, because it was an almost constant sound.  So sleep deprivation was a fact of life, and I have to say that is kind of a big deal.  I was suddenly forced to make a conscious choice between swallowing, which I could not do, or breathing.  Two of the things that I have unconsciously done since I was born, were now things I had to consciously choose.  It was odd to realize I had taken these simple things for granted.  It felt like I was suddenly given complete responsibility for the all the bodily functions necessary for me to live.  (Spit first, now breathe and don’t choke, is my heart still beating – yes, spit, breathe, ….). I quickly realized that I couldn’t deal with it.  That’s why God made us the way He did.  Our bodies are created to work with miraculous precision, and when we interfere with their function as we seek to make “improvements”, it often throws everything out of balance.

My tendency to analyze everything went into overdrive because of the lack of sleep.  I began to look at every single aspect of the situation, trying to imagine what my life was going to look like.  (Are they going to have to put in a feeding tube?  Am I going to slowly starve?  My blood pressure was spiking and I thought about a stroke.)  I was caught in a spiral.  I felt like my body was rejecting me.  I have never felt so helpless.  My perception, though skewed, became my reality.

I was terrified.

I didn’t say anything about what was in my head at the time, but I think the nurses were aware.  They were constantly checking me, caring for me, meeting every need.  They were amazing.  I’ve never seen that level of care in any hospital before.

In my anxiety I didn’t want any visitors.  I didn’t want to be seen like this.

This is the lie we tell ourselves.  When we humans are in pain or distress our tendency is to isolate, but that is exactly the opposite of what we need.  We tell ourselves we need to figure this out on our own.  We have to be independent, and show our strength to the world.  We can’t be vulnerable. 

The problem with this is we were created to depend on each other, to need each other.  Our presence with each other literally keeps us alive. 

All of this really highlighted my incredible hypocrisy, because I try to be someone who will be there for others whenever I can.  I’m always telling people not to isolate or think they have to “go it alone”. 

Yet, at my first exposure to helplessness, I shut it all down.  From a Christian standpoint this actually attempts to negate the point of Christ’s sacrifice of His life.  He died so that each of us would know we are worth EVERYTHING!  All my words and feelings are powerless to defeat this.

Into this walked my wife.

We have always said that it’s obvious God brought us together.  He proves it to us again and again and again.

She refused to leave when I told her she should.  When I said I didn’t want visitors, she responded with, “Maybe they should make that choice, instead of you making it for them.  They need to see you too.”  She knows me so well.  Her presence and love were the most incredible healing I’ve known.  I’ve always said I’m so glad to be the one who gets to be married to Brenda.  It is an honor and privilege to be loved so completely by a woman like her.  All the visitors I had truly lifted me in so many unexpected ways.

The next day was a little clearer for me.  I slept after they took the breathing monitor away.  I still had to make the choice to try to swallow or breathe, but I was getting used to the idea.  I was beginning to believe this wasn’t permanent.

It was three days before I could get water down.

On the fourth day I was able to get some pureed food down.  I never thought this could be true, but it actually tasted pretty good.  I’m pretty sure I felt that way largely because I was just grateful to be able to get something that remotely passed as real food into my stomach, but my memories tell me that it actually wasn’t that bad.  When they said I would be on a puree diet, I thought they were thinking applesauce, pudding, jell-o, and similar stuff. 

I was wrong.

They puree everything.

Chicken with gravy was a piece of pureed chicken that was pressed into a mold of the shape of a piece of chicken with gravy over the top.  It still tasted like chicken – although the texture was a little off. 

The pureed waffle was pressed into the shape of a waffle, I guess so I’d know what it was supposed to be.  It tasted like a waffle.

The berries came in a dish and were shaped like a pile of mixed berries (the raspberry shape tasted like the cherry shape). 

Pureed broccoli…. Well, let’s just say it apparently takes more than a blender to help it.  They didn’t bother to shape that.

I give them an A for effort.  I think their regular hospital food actually tastes pretty good, but I don’t need to go back to find out.

The day I left I walked the floor and dragged my IV with me.  I tracked down as many of my nurses as I could find and thanked them.  They taught me a lot.

The hospital is named Mercy Hospital.

I kept thinking about that while I was laying in my bed, trying to think of something other than myself.  I realized that what I was seeing in the nursing staff as they cared for me was actually the embodiment of Mercy.

I think Mercy has three aspects:

The First is the concept of Mercy: unwarranted compassion.

The Second is the application of Mercy: Putting that compassion into action, and pouring it into the lives of others.

The Third is the receiving of Mercy.  Feeling helpless, yet being cared for unconditionally.

I got the third part this time.

I have tried to practice Mercy and Compassion in my relationships with others.  This was the first time in my life where I felt so helpless and disconnected.  Every time one of the nurses came in, I felt like they were taking the time to gently coax me back to some better place.  There was no judgement or dismissal of my feelings.  Just compassion – Mercy.

Yes, I know they get paid for this.  I also know they catch a lot of grief for countless things and put up with a lot of garbage from patients who lash out in their pain.

I think they really cared.  I felt that from every one of them.

What they taught me about Mercy will improve the way I apply it to others.  Having received it in a helpless state, has a greater impact on me knowing how it affects others to receive it.  This was part of the reason Christ died - so we would understand that He knew what human suffering is.  He is not a distant God.  He doesn’t love only a certain group.  He loves all of us.  Even the people I may not like.  Just because someone sins differently than I do, never gives me the right to judgement.  For me to give less Mercy to one person over another goes against everything He has taught me.

There’s a saying I like that I try to apply to myself as often as possible:

‘“The Golden Rule that Jesus gave us says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

It is of no consequence until I realize that the first move is always mine.’

I came home after five days.  The first thing I did was just walk through the house so I could see different walls.  I needed to know there were different boundaries.  I needed to see the backyard that my wife designed through the window instead of a parking lot.

I needed to see the home we made together.

It was fantastic.

©Dan Bode 2025

 

 

 

 

Fishing

Occasionally I make some very important realizations about my life.  Sometimes someone says something to me that sets off some line of thought that seems completely random at the time, but turns into something significant to me. 

There are other times when it seems like a boulder just gets dropped on me out of a clear blue sky, and I have no choice but to drop whatever I’m doing and deal with it.  Regardless of how they come to me they are usually things that in retrospect are pretty obvious.  They were there all along but I simply never noticed them.  This was one of those things.

I realized one day that even the mere presence of Christ will change anything.

 

I think the apostle Peter was familiar with what I am talking about.

In John chapter 21 Peter is dealing with the aftermath of the Crucifixion.  He has no hope.  The one he gave everything to is dead.  With the death of his future he returns to his past. 

“I am going out to fish.”

He trudges down the beach and begins to run the strands of the nets he hasn’t touched for three years listlessly through his fingers.  Before Christ (B.C.) this was what he always did.  Up until he’d heard those two fateful words “Follow me.” these nets had been the source of his well being, his sustenance, his pride, his provision for his family and his heritage.  He knew little else.

In the intervening years he saw the dead raised to life, water turned to wine, and lepers healed.  One miracle after another had been performed in his presence.  The Pharisees and Sadducees, the powers of his society, had been repeatedly challenged and shown to be the greatest of hypocrites.  The foundations of his life have been completely changed.  But even with all these things the greatest change is what has happened within. 

Peter made the sacrifice of believing in someone other than himself. 

In moving the focus of his belief he had done things at the request of He in whom he believed, and he did it regardless of his own agreement.  In so many ways his motivation has been to satisfy his own dreams, but now he comes to understand the root of his problem.  Belief in someone other than yourself is only half of the process.  The other half demands blind dependence.  Peter believed in someone else, but he believed in Him because he thought the other would accomplish Peter’s own desires.  So, belief is one thing, but devotion requires taking on the beliefs and desires of the object of your belief as your own.  Peter, as is often the case in my own life, had not done this.

Now, without Christ, he seems to have lost it all.  Having believed in someone else, yet still applying his own conditions for believing, making Jesus merely a vehicle to reach his own goals, he has not only lost everything, but he has failed himself as well as Jesus.

Imagine climbing in the boat and setting the oars, using muscles gone stiff after years of inactivity and thinking all I can do is fish. 

Without purpose, without Jesus, he simply went back to what he knew.  The problem was that now, having known the ultimate reason for existence, this basic fundamental task could no longer provide any meaning to what was left of his life.

Into this situation Jesus becomes Present to him.

He becomes the Truth.

“Throw your nets on the other side of the boat.”

Only a slight change from what he’d been doing just moments before.  At this point he hadn’t yet realized that it was Jesus who was speaking to him, but he did it anyway.  What do you suppose he thought at that moment?  The local fishing industry hadn’t changed in the time he had been away from it.  He knew what he was doing, but there on the shore is some side-line fisherman who tells him to throw the net on the other side of the boat?  He knows there aren’t going to be any more fish on one side than the other.  Still, he does it.  His pain is such that he needs something to fill the time.  He needs something to fill the hole left by the absence of his Rabbi. 

What did he have to lose?  He was just fishing after all.  When the nets began to fill and as one fish upon another threw themselves into the net he realized something had changed.  It was the change that caused him to realize that the voice he’d heard just a moment ago was the same one he’d heard agonizing in prayer in the garden at Gethsemane.

It was then that he realized just how much the presence of Christ changes the meaning of everything we do. 

He was only doing what he had always done, but it would never be the same for him again.

As a result of Christ’s birth, the properties of giving birth changed.  When a baby entered into the world from the womb it was something that had happened countless times before.  Christ was born as every child had been born, and yet His birth was the one that negated the cause of the mother’s pain.  His birth gave meaning to it.  The betrayal of trust that occurred in Eden was now surmountable as a result of His birth in this world.

Even the act of crucifixion was changed.

The Romans had been crucifying criminals for quite some time before Christ walked the Via Dolorosa, and they continued for a long time afterwards.  But with Christ involved it was more than merely a form of painful execution.

Christ gave it purpose.

His impact and influence was so complete when it happened to Him that even to unbelievers it was forever after known as The Crucifixion.  It is no longer spoken of even in our day without summoning to our thoughts the name of Jesus Christ.  Pilate would never have given a second thought to nailing another set of hands to that beam, and in fact would have willingly given the mob its desire if they had asked for Barabbas to be killed. 

Even Pilate knew somehow that Christ changes everything. 

Even he knew that crucifying Christ would have unimaginable ramifications.

Christ was not the first person to be resurrected either.  He himself raised several people from the dead, but as extraordinary as any resurrection should be considered, no one ever thinks of them when we say The Resurrection. 

No one else was sacrificed first.

Two travelers on the road to Emmaus were just traveling together until Jesus joined them.  When He spoke they knew He was someone who knew what He was talking about.  That simple journey completely altered the course of their lives, not because of the journey, but because of the One on the road beside them.

Sad to say that knowing it is not the same as living it, but I think Peter, when he made it to shore, had finally figured out the difference between what he had been doing for the previous three years and what he was doing now, dripping wet on the shore in front of the living Christ.  I think he stood before Christ re-examining every thought or action he had taken during the last three years knowing that all of his previous ideas were utterly wrong.

It is one thing to nod your head and smile when someone says, “I will rise again on the third day after my death.”  It is a completely different matter when you meet Him after He has indeed done what He said He would do. 

The thought, “You mean you were serious?!” must have crossed his mind at some point.  Peter suddenly had to believe everything he had only paid lip service to previously.  All of the things that he had believed for his own benefit now had a completely different meaning that was no longer based on his own needs and desires.  Overthrown oppressors were no longer an issue when the living Christ was sitting in front of him frying fish on the seashore!  Come to think of it I’ll bet He even fried fish better!  I wonder if he understood then that after three years with Jesus Christ, without Him Peter was not, after all, a better fisherman than before.  Without Jesus he was merely the same, but now he understood what he longed for. 

Now he knew what he was missing.

I want to know how Peter remembered that day.

What did the rest of the world look like to him after he realized that all that Christ said was true?  Could the truth of anything Christ said be doubted if He could overcome the worst enemy of humanity? 

Nope.

Suddenly, he needs to worship Him; to give Him something.

But what do you give to the One who has everything? 

Everything. 

Everything you are, everything you will be. 

Everything you have, and everything you ever had. 

Every desire, and every dislike. 

Every relationship, and every preconceived notion.

Everything good, and everything bad. 

All of it.

Everything. 

Because it’s all changed, and He’s the one who did it.

It doesn’t matter whether you want the change or not, because the creation itself has been fundamentally changed by awaiting His return.  The Expectation with which my very soul trembles changes how I look at Everything. 

And at what cost?

A virgin birth, a crucifixion, a death, a stone rolled away, a resurrection.

Replace the “A” in the previous sentence with “The” and you know exactly who is being spoken of without ever saying His name, but then we say it anyway, because the name of Jesus Christ sounds so much better than any other words that ever passed our lips before. 

And the fact that He lives changes….

Everything!

©Dan Bode 2007

Forsaken

 

“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”

When Christ was on that cross, God turned His face away, because He could not bear to see the burden of our sins that Jesus had taken upon Himself.

It is impossible for me to know what it would feel like to have my father turn away from me.  That is one of the reasons He came in the first place.  He saved me from having to learn what it was like. 

My own father was not perfect. I would have to say he forsook many things in life, including himself.  I suppose I could say he forsook me when he killed himself, but I don’t think that was his intent.  He just didn’t think he had the resources to seek the better life God was waiting to give him.

Later, as time separated me from that event, I learned more of what God intended for me.  I learned what life with Him is like.  I learned that I have a different Father.  In the relationship I have with Him, the word “forsaken” will never enter our vocabulary, because that is one of the things that Christ already resolved for me. 

I am an entirely different person because of Him.  I continue to grow and change the closer I get to Him.  It is not always an easy process.  I guess, if I’m honest about it, it is never an easy process.  I do it because He asks, because He paid the price to help me understand that I am valuable.

As I came to realize that I am indeed, not, forsaken, I finally understood that no one else is either.  When He accepted that burden for me, He did it for everyone else.  Not just for the people I like, but for everyone.

I don’t think there is anyone I would consider to be my enemy, but He told me to love my enemies anyway.  Because He does.

The definition of “enemy” seems to be a moving target these days, and usually seems to mean “anyone who disagrees with me that I have never met”.  Regardless of your definition, He loves them too, which is why He asks me to do the same.  We are all siblings in the end.  He wants us to learn to love Him together so that He doesn’t have to keep protecting us from each other.  He loves us all equally and completely so we can put aside the sibling rivalry.

There are things in this world that anger me.  They seek to shift my focus away from Him.  There are times when I cannot see Him, and I fear that He has indeed, forsaken me. 

Turned away. 

Abandoned me.

I am wrong.

He has always been there. 

Waiting with open arms and nail scarred hands.

It was I who looked away.

I tried to pull the nails out that held Him pinned against the sky, but they were part of me, and I had no power to do it. 

It was not until He walked into the crucible that burned away the dross of me, that He could Rise.

But Rise He did.

And He brought me with Him.

Happy Easter.

©Dan Bode 2025

 

 

Kings

There are hummingbirds that like to come in our yard.  It is an amazing thing to watch their flight.

Many times, when I am out there, I don’t actually see them at first.  I see instead the subtle movement of the leaves caused by the wind created by their wings.  Then I look to find their physical presence.  It is a subtle, quiet entrance.  All of sudden just – there.

This led me to make some comparisons and come to some conclusions.

I have given a lot of thought recently to the idea of leadership in the world today.  Whether we call them presidents, or kings or merely pretenders to the throne, we can know them by their methods and demands.

I will tell you now who my King is, and why I follow Him.

My King chose to be a servant, and asked me to do the same.

He shed blood, felt pain, and gave His life so that I would not have to, so that I could live.

I can only look back on history to know what and how this happened, but there were others who were present who still feel the effects of His life to this day.  Like the hummingbird wind He is suddenly – there.

When Christ was on the cross Satan was there.  He heard every cry of pain as the whip fell. He accounted for every drop of blood that stained the ground (and probably drew away from it). He watched His chest rise and fall with each agonizing breath, joyfully anticipating that last one (“there it goes, finally!”).

He danced with glee for three days when Christ gave His life (and “gave” is the right word. He did it willingly.).

As it turned out, three days was not as much of a celebration as he thought, when you think of all the days in eternity.

As he danced, he felt a breeze suddenly – there.

He heard a sound he thought was finally silenced.

A heartbeat, suddenly – there.

Imagine his dismay, and rage, as he turns to find the tomb that was supposed to be a grave, suddenly become – a Throne.

He is not so powerful as he thought.

He is so weak, in fact, that he was toppled by the wind from a hummingbird’s wings.

Then people started to listen to this Hummingbird King of mine, and so Satan changed tactics.  Since he could not kill the King, he turned to distraction.

He refused to admit his loss (like any narcissist) and began to wave shiny things in our faces.  Some left the path to follow the sad reflection of power that he has peddled since the Fall.

“Look at the shiny orange bauble I made just for you!  Worship it!  Prophecy in its name (remember Balaam)!  It will promise you anything you ask for!”

He conveniently fails to mention that it will starve you to death as you get nothing in return.

Your king will not bleed and die for you.  As a matter of fact, your king demands you bleed for him, so he does not have to get his hands dirty.  In the end, your king will bend the knee to mine.  Whether willingly or not, his face will touch the ground.  Your king does not know the meaning of sacrifice, selflessness, love, joy or peace. 

My King bled for me, in order that I might know the meaning of all those things, and be purified.

When you come to me to make demands in the name of your king, you will only see my back, because I am focused on my one True King who made every sacrifice that could be made for me.

I will defy you.

I will defy this little man who demands my attention.

If you do see my face, it will be with my blade bared.

If you see blood, it will be mine, from where you stabbed me with the sword I gave you, in order to bleed His grace upon you.  This is the meaning and purpose of “sacrifice” – to save someone other than yourself.

Because Christmas and Easter are not meant to be lived out on separate days once a year.  We who follow Christ are meant to live them both, every day of our lives.

The bottom line is this:

His life is the only one whose sacrifice is worth anything.  When I die, I will not save anyone or anything.  My life is only given any worth by His.

And My King tells me I am worth Everything!

Happy Easter.

©Dan Bode 2025

Sacrifice and Consequence

 There’s a line at the end of the Christmas movie “Spirited” that goes something like:

“What is sacrifice without consequence?”

This is an incredibly important question, and not one I would have expected in a comedy.

I have always understood that we, as humans, learn from our suffering, and in that sense, I have learned a great deal.  There are others who have learned far more than I.

We go through life with the understanding that our pain, grief, loss, and wounds will make us stronger.  And, hopefully, better.

There have been many times in the midst of my own loss, where I would plead with God to “Please teach someone else” (Take this cup from me).  Not even thinking about the fact that I was asking to let someone else suffer so I wouldn’t have to, and then realizing in that moment, that this is exactly what God did.  

Before Christ was born, He was already on the road to sacrifice. He came to us because God made a Promise.

Promise always requires Sacrifice, and Sacrifice always has Consequence.

The Consequence fulfills the Promise.

His Sacrifice had to happen His way and in His time in order for it to be effective.

When the Wise Men came in search of Jesus, Herod asked them to tell him when they found this new King.  Herod would have gladly sacrificed Him for his own gain, to no one else’s benefit.  Indeed, he tried by killing many other children in the hope of containing the threat to his power.

Humans will be humans after all.

But humans cannot fulfill God’s Promise, nor can we shoulder the Consequence.

I have to make a conscious effort to see Jesus as just a baby.  To imagine Him with messy diapers, saying His first words, or taking His first steps.  It is difficult to get out of the retrospective viewpoint of His entire life, and see Him only in that moment, as His earthly family did, with no knowledge of what the future held.

To behold Him with Joy.

And yet the Joy of His birth was met with hate, and still is in many ways to this.  There are many who claim to follow Him, yet in the same breath say He is not enough.

Who are you little man to question the thoughts of God?

How does hate have greater influence on you when you claim to serve the Prince of Peace?

The angels appeared to the shepherds with “good news of great joy”, yet we wallow in our suffering instead of seeing each other with joyful eyes.

That’s how we got to where we are today.

He made the sacrifice so the consequence would allow us to revel in the Joy of the life He gave us.

There is suffering in the world, in my life and yours, but there is also the opportunity for Joy.  I learn from both suffering and Joy, yet I remember the lessons of my pain more than those of my Joy.  In many ways I suppose I have at times even thought of suffering as an honor, but the point of His suffering and Sacrifice was to give me the chance to see the Joy as the Consequence rather than simply a life of pain.

Christmas is upon us, and we will celebrate that day with Joy, but don’t let it end there.

Please continue to do so on every day after.

And so, as I consider this Child, I will try to live the lessons learned from the Joy He was born to give me.

Merry Christmas.

©Dan Bode 2024

Reminders

 

Reminders

 

Remind me please, why we so easily drift toward darkness

Remind me please, why we so readily love evil

Remind me please, how to love past hatred

Remind me please, what to do after the other cheek has been turned and struck

Remind me please, why there is a need for forgiveness

Remind me please, why your name is Redeemer

Remind me please,

Remind me